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Topic: Agano's Novel Comments (Read 51 times)

faithdamore
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Agano's Novel Comments
« Thread Started on Jan 25, 2008, 12:59am »

I read what you have posted so far. I must say that I'm impressed. And that's not something that happens a lot. You are a quality writer.

I was a little unclear on some points. Like, what did the voice sound like, where was it coming from (in his head etc).

I wanted to know more about what he looked like (was his once blond hair splattered with blood?) You know. A little more description.

I like the way you presented the wind as a creature. Although, in one bit, I wasn't sure if it was the wind still the character. At :

"Growing bored, it started to disperse".

I was sitting thinking, how can wind grow bored? Perhaps:

"It's job almost done, it started to disperse"?

Well, that's just my opinion, but, overall, it was really good.

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Agano
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Re: Agano's Novel Comments
« Reply #1 on Jan 25, 2008, 2:29am »

Thanks.

Full Description of Tredin, as well as orign of the voice (the voice's full origins is a main part of the story), is coming in the next chapter, which is already undergoing editing right now. I'll see if I can't drop a few subtle descriptions of both Tredin and the voice in the first chater.

When I started the story, it's working title was Anago (Hence where I got the screen name from) so I feel it's only right to return the title to it.

Perhaps I did strech the personification a bit too much with the "growing bored" statement. I'll make a mental note to go back to it and see if there isn't something I can change it with.

EDIT: Change in prolouge
Quote:

The wind, about to disperse for the night, was renewed when it found a new victim: an unconscious man, propped against one of the tall pines. The man's blood soaked winter jacket was torn to shreds, barely concealing the half healed cuts that crisscrossed his chest. The wind caressed him gently at first, like a lover, soothing his black eye, his broken nose, his still bleeding knee, and his half hearted bandage on his left bicep. It mussed his short cropped brown hair like an older sibling, rough but loving. But the wind was not one of soothing comfort.

Change in Chapter 1
Quote:

His left eye, blue in contrast to his right's green; opened halfway before burning pain seared through his head

more in depth descriptions will make their appearance later in the story (see above)

« Last Edit: Jan 25, 2008, 3:09am by Agano »

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faithdamore
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Re: Agano's Novel Comments
« Reply #2 on Jan 25, 2008, 11:37pm »

much better. I like it

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hi
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Re: Agano's Novel Comments
« Reply #3 on Nov 4, 2008, 7:34am »

i like it too

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